


Words That Slip Through

by padfootagain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Romantic Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 12:06:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16953693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: When Sirius and you have a fight, he confesses things to you that you were not expecting…





	Words That Slip Through

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of angst to spice it all. Hope you all like it, tell me what you think about it :)

You took the bleeding handkerchief from him and gave him a clean one. Mrs. Pomfrey had repaired his broken nose, and told you both that the bleeding should end any moment now. He still had the mark of the bruise across his nose though.

“How do you feel?” you ask him, your voice as soft and reassuring as you could manage.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry,” he reassures you.

You were mad. Completely furious. And looking at this poor boy wincing before you made you even angrier. How could that had happened?

Sure, Sebastian wasn’t the best guy in the school. Sure, he was quite boring… Okay he _was_ boring. Sure you didn’t really like blond boys, and he wasn’t the most handsome bloke in the school. But he was kind to you, and he listened to you, and he was okay with you wanting to take things slow. He seemed to be a nice guy. And for the moment, it was enough for you. Sure, you could have had better, and you were not exactly happy with him, but the boy who made you really happy didn’t see you that way, so…

Sure, next to Sirius, the Ravenclaw boy seemed a ridiculous choice, especially for you. You had always been drawn towards the mysterious guys, the ones with dark hair and clever jokes and broken hearts and souls too deep to conquer and secrets hidden in their infinite eyes and danger oozing from their skin…

In a word, it had always been Sirius.

But you were in your 7th year now, and you were tired of waiting. You were tired of hoping that one day he would not only see a friend in you, but much more. You had been craving for more than friendship for years, and you were tired of wasting your time on him when he had fun with other girls. You were tired of being always there for him whenever he needed you when he was constantly breaking your heart with one of his new girls. You were tired of sacrificing yourself for him. You were tired of not living your own life to be part of his.

So you had decided a few weeks ago to put an end to it. You and Sirius had had a long talk, and you had found a fake excuse to push him away, taking your distance from this boy you had loved for so long. And he had struggled and fought to make you change your mind, but there was nothing he could say to convince you. You had made up your mind.

And then you had talked to Sebastian in the Library, because you needed the same Potion book. And he was kind to you, and when he looked at you, it was like he was looking at a firework, and you felt safe with him.

Perhaps just a bit too safe…

Sure your three dates hadn’t been overexciting, but he was kind. And you could read through him like you would have done with an opened book, but he was gentle with you. And he wasn’t much of a laugh, but he never talked about girls he had dated.

He was Sirius’s complete opposite, and perhaps that’s why you had accepted to date him in the first place.

But today, as you walked back from the Lake, Sirius had seen him kiss you before the Great Hall, and he had gone completely wild, pushing you aside and punching him on the face.

What the hell had happened in his head, you had no idea. But you were _so_ mad at Sirius right now…

Sebastian’s nose finally stopped bleeding, and you put the handkerchief aside.

“Do you want me to wait for Mrs. Pomfrey with you?” you offered.

But he shook his head.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me. It’s late already, and you haven’t eaten anything yet because of all this mess. You should try to grab a snack or something.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Okay then.”

You kissed his cheek, before walking out of the Hospital Wing.

But you didn’t head for the Kitchens to grab a snack. You headed straight for the Gryffindor Tower to kick Sirius’s arse.

You were so angry, you never could remember how you got to the boys’ dormitories, but somehow you did. And you didn’t bother to knock on the door, and entered, wrath painted all over your face.

But there was only James, Remus and Peter in the dorm, and not the boy you were looking for. You cursed Sirius under your breath.

“Where is he?” you asked, anger shaking your voice.

The three boys exchanged a cautious glance.

“We don’t know…” James lied, but you cut him off.

“Of course you know. Give me the Map.”

“We don’t have it.”

“James Fleamont Potter, if you don’t want me to turn you into a cockroach and crush you under my shoe, I would advise you to stop lying to me. Am I clear enough for you?”

He nodded slowly.

“So. Where. Is. He?” you asked again.

“He’s gone at the Lake,” Remus answered.

You immediately turned on your heels.

“But… Y/N!” Remus called after you as you were already running down the stairs. “Don’t go too hard on him.”

Don’t go too hard on him? _Don’t fucking go too hard on him?_

Was Remus serious?

Sirius had just punched the guy you had been dating for absolutely no reason, breaking his nose, and you were supposed to show mercy?

Hell if he was going to get an ounce of mercy. No bloody way.

You wanted to murder him for being such a jerk.

Although, deep down inside you, you knew that you didn’t want to punish him only for that, but for all the times you had suffered in silence because of him. And you were a bit scared of going too far.

You easily spotted him, sitting in the grass on the shore of the Lake, alone. He was sitting under your favourite tree. The one under which you used to sit together, under which you spent hours talking and playing chess, and eating treats from Honeydukes, the one under which you had shared so many moments…

He had told you about how his family was treating him under that tree, at the beginning of your second year, when he had come back from his family’s home with scratches all over his body.

You had cried with him under that tree when the Death Eaters had attacked one of your neighbours.

He had prepared a cake for your fifteenth birthday and offered you the broomstick you had been dreaming about for years under that tree…

It was the tree that protected all these moments you had shared, and you never went there without him, and you knew he never went there without you either.

Strange choice of sanctuary, if he had come here to run away from you.

The air of November was cold and cut your cheek, and you regretted not to have grabbed a coat on your way here. You could barely feel your fingers already. But you didn’t care. The anger boiling through your veins was enough to make you walk closer to him despite the cold.

As you walked closer to him, you noticed a bottle of firewhiskey, already partially emptied. Clearly, Sirius had been drinking. Which was never a good sign.

He didn’t seem to hear you coming towards him, and so he jumped when he heard your angry voice cut the air.

“What by Merlin’s beard did you THINK you were doing?!”

He turned a pair of grey, sheepish eyes towards you, standing up.

“Y/N…” he spoke softly, almost shyly as you reached him.

He knew how terrible you could be when you were mad, he had experienced one of your storms once, and had hoped that he would never have to see you like this again. But clearly, his wish had failed him.

“NO!” he roared. “There’s no ‘Y/N’. Who do you think you are exactly?! What happened in your fucking head?!”

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” he said, his voice warm and soothing.

But you were too angry to be soothed by his voice, no matter the tone he used.

“You really are such a jerk!” you kept yelling at him. “You punched Sebastian in the face with no reason at all! Are you mental?!”

“Y/N, could you stop yelling at me? My ears are aching already. You really _are_ loud, you know?” he said, joking nonchalantly.

You could see the amused half-smile on his lips, as he tried to joke his way out of this. But it didn’t remain there for long.

“You fucking bastard…!”

“Y/N, calm down. Let’s talk this through, okay?”

“Talk this through? TALK THIS THROUGH? Excuse me, did you talk to Sebastian before breaking his nose?”

“Y/N…”

“NO. YOU. DIDN’T!”

“Y/N!”

He had raised his voice as well, and you had never heard him shouting at you before now. It made your voice break, too shocked to continue, and he seized the opportunity to plead his case.

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” he said, his tone calmer again. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You should apologize to Sebastian, not to me.”

He winced in response.

“Not a fucking chance…”

“Why did you punch him in the first place?!” you asked, and you sounded more aghast than angry now. “He didn’t do anything to you. He has never even spoken to you.”

He ran a frustrated hand in his long, dark hair.

“Y/N… It’s not the point.”

“The reason why you punched _is the only_ point.”

But he remained silent, and you felt anger burning in your whole body again.

“Why did you punch him?”

Not a word escaped his lips, and he merely looked down at the ground.

“If it’s because something bad happened with your family…”

“It has nothing to do with this band of psychopaths,” he snapped through gritted teeth.

“Why then?”

But he clenched his jaw and didn’t add anything.

And you could feel that you had passed the point that defined the limit between anger and hysteria. And you knew you were about to say things you would regret, things you didn’t mean, but you were too sad, and angry, and frustrated, and devastated by all that had happened (or had not happened) between you and Sirius to control anything anymore. You knew this had been brewing inside you for years. And now you were about to explode like a volcano.

“Why did you punch him? Is it because he’s dating me?”

And without knowing it, you realized that you had hit just the right spot.

“Is that really the reason?” you asked, while Sirius was clenching his fists. “You punched him because we _kissed_ Sebastian and I?”

He remained silent, but his lack of answer was worth a thousand words.

“How can you think for just a second that it’s any of your business?! HOW SIRIUS?!”

“Because you’re my best friend,” he replied through gritted teeth, looking at you again.

“No, Sirius. I _was_ your best friend. I made it quite clear before that I don’t want us to be friends anymore.”

“Yes, that’s true, you did. And I still don’t know why, by the way.”

“I told you why.”

“Bullshit, and you know it!” he roared, waving his finger at you. “You lied that day! YOU LIED TO ME!”

“How could you care anyway? You never cared about me at all!”

“I beg your pardon? I’ve always been there for you for years!”

“You’re so blind!”

“Believe me, you’re the blind one here, Y/N!”

“Why did you punch Sebastian?”

“He’s not good for you.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“It is though. You’re my friend!”

“No, Sirius. You’re not my friend, and you’ve never been!”

You saw him growing paler.

Here, you were saying bullshit…

“You’re just a street dog I’ve pitied for years, that’s all you were to me!” you yelled, tears running down your cheeks.

“You don’t mean that,” he breathed.

“I do mean it!” you lied. “You’re nothing to me, and you’ve never been! And for years I’ve always been there, and you… you’re so stupid and blind! You never saw the truth…”

You had gone from lie to truth without warning, too quickly, and he couldn’t know what was true or fake now.

“I’ve spent years right there, by your side, and you’ve never really cared about me! And all of a sudden, you decide to care about my love life? Well sorry, Sirius, it’s too late for that. You made me suffer too much for you to have your word to say concerning who I want to love!”

“Oh, I made you suffer?! Really?!” he shouted. “I beg your pardon, but I think you’re mistaken here…”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Because if there’s one of us who’s been agonizing for years here, it’s me!”

“Don’t give me the family speech again. Having a shitty family doesn’t give you an excuse for every bad thing you could do.”

“I wasn’t talking about my family, I was talking about _you_!”

“Me?!”

“Yes, you!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve always been kind to you.”

“You broke my heart!”

You were too shocked to reply anything, but he didn’t seem to notice, and he went on, ignoring the shocked expression that covered your face.

It was always strange to hear Sirius confess anything personal. To survive in his family, he had had to learn to hide his weaknesses, and there were very few people who knew about all the scars he kept hidden underneath his playful smile and his mischievous eyes.

But you were one of the few who knew about this other part of him. The fragile part. The dark part. And you knew how rare these moments of confessions were. And you also knew that he could never stop himself from talking until he was done once he had begun. And even more so when he was drunk, and that seemed to be the case.

“For fucking Merlin’s sake Y/N… Do you think it’s easy to be so close to you, and yet not close enough? Do you think I haven’t suffered when I tried to forget you with all these girls, when the only one I was thinking about was you? Do you think I didn’t suffer when I saw this asshole kiss the girl I love?!”

He didn’t even seem to notice what the words that had passed his lips meant. But you had heard them, and you had understood them.

Sirius was in love with _you_ …?

“Well I’m sorry! I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself when I saw him kissing you! I’m sorry I’m such a terrible and cruel man that I’ve sacrificed my own happiness so you could be happy, for _years_! I’m sorry that for this one time I couldn’t play the role, I’m sorry I couldn’t fake not to care for once! I’m sorry I couldn’t play the best friend this time! I’m sorry!”

He took a step towards you. Clearly, he couldn’t control what was coming out of his mouth anymore. Probably the combination of anger, pain and alcohol.

“I’m sorry that for once I couldn’t get over the fact that I want you for myself…” he said, lowering slowly his voice, as if it was starting to break. “I’m sorry that for once I couldn’t act as if I was okay with the idea of you having someone else. I’m sorry if I can’t live without you. I’m sorry if I’ve been doing nothing but drinking since you’ve stopped talking to me.”

A tear rolled down his cheek, and then another, and another, and he didn’t wipe them away. He merely let them roll down his cheek and to his chin and neck.

“I’m sorry I’m a mess,” he went on, his voice hoarse with tears, his throat clearly tightened. “I’m sorry I’ve had to face such darkness that I can’t allow myself to tell you the truth about what I see in you. I’m sorry that for this one time, it’s all these things I’ve tried to hide to protect you that transpired. I’m sorry I failed this time… But…”

He sniffed loudly.

“But why the hell did you have to walk out of my life like you did?” he asked, and there was so much pain in his eyes that you felt your heart aching, as if Sirius had just pierced it with a cold blade. “For Merlin’s sake, how could you do that to me?!”

He finally stopped talking, apparently waiting for an answer from you. But you were so shocked, it took you a while to manage to let a sound pass your lips.

“Sirius… it’s not what you think.”

“Why then? Why did you leave? Don’t you know I need you?”

You felt a salty tear roll down your cheek as well.

“I had to try to forget you,” you answered. “I had to try to live for myself as well. I had to see if I could live without you. Because I was sure you could easily live without me.”

“Live without you? How could I? I LOVE YOU!”

But this time the shock on your face was enough to make him realize everything he had confessed, and he fell silent, staring at you with wide eyes. He became pale as sheets in less than three seconds.

“I…” he mumbled, stuttering. “Y/N… I… I didn’t…”

“You love me?” you breathed, frowning. “You must be kidding me.”

He turned from white to red in the blink of an eye.

“Forget I said what I said,” he mumbled.

He tried to walk towards the Castle, but you stopped him, holding tightly his upper arm, as if your life depended on it.

“Sirius…”

“Let go of me. This never happened, do you hear?”

“It did happen though.”

You stared at each other for a while, both of you silent.

“You love me?” you asked again.

But he shook his head, mumbling under his breath.

“Forget I said that.”

“Then why did you go out with all these girls? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Forget all about it.”

But when he tried to walk away again, you grabbed him by the shoulders.

“No, don’t walk away from me!” you ordered, shouting again. “Why did you date all these girls if it’s true that you love me?” you added, violently shaking him. “Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt?”

He grabbed you by the shoulders as well, forcing you to stop shaking him.

“Well, I don’t know, try to think for a second,” he roared, fury back in his loud voice. “Why would a guy who’s completely fucked up, who grew up in a family full of crazy men, who is so afraid of becoming like them, who doesn’t have neither money nor any hope for a better future than a blur mess, who keeps breaking everything he touches… Why would a guy like that would want to hide his true feelings to the kindest girl he has ever met?”

You narrowed your eyes.

“You wanted to protect me from yourself,” you breathed.

He nodded, crying again. And you knew he was telling the truth, and you knew you were right. You knew him well enough to know that his terrible childhood had left many marks he constantly tried to hide. And one of them was that fear that pierced his soul that he would one day end up being like one of the members of his family. It was this fear to be a true _Black_ and not _Sirius_ anymore. It was this fear to hurt whoever was around him.

It was this fear to be evil and to destroy all who could love him.

You moved slowly, softly your hands from his shoulders to his neck.

“You’re not like them, Sirius,” you said, your voice kind and soothing now. “You’re a good man.”

“You’ve always been so sure of that… How can you be so sure?”

“Because I know you like I know the back of my hand.”

“What if I’m broken, and beyond repair?”

But you shook your head.

“You have a rebel soul, Sirius Black, you’ve always had.”

He stared silently at you for a moment.

“How can you be so sure?” he asked again.

You took a deep breath…

…and dived.

“Because I don’t reckon I could fall in love with an evil man, could I?”

His eyes grew very wide with shock. But then he narrowed his eyes at you.

“You can’t be meaning that. You were snogging Sebastian not an hour ago.”

“And you’ve been dating dozens of girls since fifth year.”

“Because that was when I irremediably fell for you.”

A small smile appeared on your face. None of you had noticed it, but the space between your faces was slowly shrinking, and shrinking, and shrinking…

“That makes a lot of confessions,” you pointed out.

“I’m drunk for my defence,” he replied.

There was another moment of silence.

“You’re never going to want to talk to me again, are you?” Sirius asked you, his voice shaking. “We’ll never be friends again, right?”

You slowly shook your head.

“No, Sirius. We’ll never be friends again.”

You saw horror appear on his face…

But before he could properly react, you had crushed your lips to his and was kissing him tenderly.

And he was so shocked that it took him a rather long moment before kissing you back and wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

And Hell… you felt so happy and excited, and wonderful in his arms that you seemed to forget about how you had found yourself in this situation in the first place.

When he slowly pulled away, you were both panting, and neither you nor Sirius opened their eyes.

“Y/N?” he whispered, resting his brow against yours.

“Yes, Sirius?”

“I’m a mess…”

“No you’re not. You’re a good man, Sirius. Stop thinking you don’t deserve to be loved, because you do. And I’m willing to do so.”

You felt him smiling, his lips just inches away from yours.

“I meant to say that _you_ were making me a mess.”

“Shut up.”

You both laughed softly.

“Y/N?” he called again.

“Yes?”

He cupped both your cheeks in his palms, his strong hands warm after the frozen wind, and you shuddered under his gentle touch, his rough skin brushing against your soft one. And when he spoke again, you could hear the cocky grin in his voice.

“Would you be mine then?”


End file.
